Saturday, December 13, 2014

A Letter to My Unborn Son

I am so honored to be your mom. I already look forward to you moving in my belly everyday - I need to feel that. When I think about you, I get so emotional. I can not wait to meet you.

I will aggravate you, I'm sure. I will clean you and smell your sweet baby smell as much as I can. You will get tired of seeing my face so close to yours, admiring the miracle that you are.

As your mom, I have a lot of promises for you:

I promise to love you unconditionally, forever.

I promise to protect you in every way I possibly can.

I promise to pray for you daily.

I promise to sing to you.

I promise to try to make you smile as often as I can.

I promise to teach you.

I promise to learn from you.

I promise that we will argue. Tempers will rise. Tears will fall.

I promise to apologize.

I promise you will too.

I promise to teach you right from wrong.

I promise to teach you responsibility and humility.

I promise I won't hand you everything you ever want.

I promise you will learn to work for what you want.

I promise to always be proud of you, whether you work at McDonald's or as a NASA scientist.

I promise to show you love.

I promise to show you how to love - truthfully and wholly.

I promise, I love you so much.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

To Everything There Is A Season - No Matter How I Feel About It

These last few months have been hectic to say the least!

I have driven more miles in the past few months than I did last year alone (it could be true). From Mississippi to Louisiana, now I could drive it blind folded.

Earlier this year my grandfather had a terrible sick spell. 3 years ago he was diagnosed with cancer. They gave him 6 months to live. Well, he was so hard headed that he lived 2 1/2 more than they gave him. For that I am extremely grateful for his stubborn-ness. But this year his health started getting worse as the cancer spread. I went to see him as often as I could, every couple of weekends until the very end.

Hospice called in the family one Wednesday. We loaded up and headed back to his house. I had never seen anyone look so close to death. And I hope I never have to see that again.

It was a terrible weekend full of crying and grieving and last goodbyes. But his thick-headedness kept him with us even longer. Again, so thankful for that! He got a little better, was able to communicate and by the time I got the call, I was convinced he'd outlive me altogether! I had just told my husband, "I think Papaw might outlive us babe."

And then I got the call. My sister called. Mom was in the hospital due to her crohn's disease, Papaw was gone, and she didn't know how to tell Mom.

To make matters worse, the town where they were, the hospital they were in, was a small one. The only coroner had not yet been in for Papaw. And the hospital admitted mom in the room next to his body. He was there for a few hours. I'm glad though, my sister told mom and they got to say goodbye to him one more time with no one else around telling them to be strong.

It was and still is, quite honestly, one of the hardest things I've had to make it through.

I was almost 18 when my other grandfather died. I didn't handle that too well either. I still think of him singing to me or telling me jokes to make me laugh when I was little. I guess I know it gets easier, I just don't remember how long until "easier" get here.

My sister is a couple of weeks from being 18. It's all just too much for me emotionally. I'm having a hard time saying goodbye, to Papaw and now to my sister's childhood. She's growing up entirely too fast for me. Every time I think of it, I cry and she isn't even my child! How emotional will I be if I ever have children when they turn 18??

I know she is happy and excited. And I'm happy for her....mostly. I really wanted her to stay 4 forever, but she just won't let that happen!

I guess I'm feeling as though I'm losing a lot in a short amount of time. And I'm just very cry-baby about it.

I'm so thankful for my grandpa and everything he did for me and taught me. Without him, I wouldn't know how to be financially responsible. Without him, I wouldn't have learned to drive when I did (with Grandma in the back seat praying....every Sunday, without fail). Without him, I wouldn't be who I am today. Because everyone in our lives and everything we go through makes us who we are, right?

For my sister, I am thankful for the opportunity to see her grow in to this beautiful, caring young lady. And I can't wait to see how amazing she is in another 18 years!! I think about her when she was little and how we could make her laugh so easily. And I hope that she never loses that. And I hope one day she knows just how happy she has made others' lives.

To everything there is a season.

Friday, April 25, 2014

On Star Wars Day

We are coming up on our 1 year wedding anniversary! I'm so happy! I still feel like a newly wed. And when I think about our wedding and our journey to get to it, I could cry with how happy I am.

There were so many times in my life when I wanted to be alone. I did not want to go through a heart break and I thought the easiest way to keep that from happening was to just forever be alone.

A few years ago, that changed. I couldn't stand the thought of not sharing my life with someone. I have watched my brother be alone, not having anyone to talk to, to trust, or to love. It makes me very sad. And I thought about my grandpa that passed away when I was 18. He had to be so lonely at the end. My brother and I had gotten to be teenagers with "better things to do" than visit with him. My mom had a toddler with barely any time for anything but her. So we all failed him his last few years. And I can't image his loneliness.

One night I thought about all the bad parts of my life and I thought about all the good parts. The good parts always included sharing it with someone. And the bad parts were usually when I was (or felt) completely alone. And I prayed to God to send me someone who I could share my life with - the good and the bad.

And one day, I saw his face. Now I know everyone does not believe in love at first sight and neither did I until this day.

I knew from the moment I saw him, I was gonna marry this boy. My heart felt so full that I thought I must just pass out from joy. I know it is corny and sounds kind of crazy, but it is the God's honest truth.

I can not imagine a day with out Jeremy by my side. I love his sweet smile and his good heart. I love his sweet eyes and how he always tries to make me laugh. I love that when I need to cry, he will hold me and tell me he loves me and everything will be ok because I have him. He tells me how lucky he is to have me as his wife. I love the way he dances with me; he says Baptist don't dance, but he dances with me all the time. And that is love.

Of course we don't always get along, we argue like any other couple. But we forgive and let go because neither of us wants to be unhappy or without the other.

When I think about our wedding day, I cry. I cried that day! But there is so much I wanted to say in front of our family and friends and I got overwhelmed with the love I felt. (I know cornball again!) But y'all it is the truth.

We may have had a Star Wars themed wedding, and some people will think it's silly, but I don't care. We had the wedding we wanted and could not be happier with how it all turned out! We had a blast and we will always remember having a fun wedding. And most importantly, since it was on Star Wars day, he will NEVER forget our wedding date!! Can I get an Amen?!

So as we say: May the Fourth Be With You!

Saturday, April 5, 2014

The Fear of Flying

Anyone who knows me, knows I hate to fly. It isn't natural. I wish it were illegal. I'm that afraid. 

Last weekend my husband was in his friends wedding. It was a full weekend of rehearsal and getting ready. We stayed at a lodge in a lovely little town not too far from where we live. It was really nice!

Well Friday night after the rehearsal and dinner, everyone came back to the lodge main house for a little party. I met some very interesting characters to say the least. I thought my husband and I were these big nerds. We've got nothing on some of these folks! Ha! But all in all, everyone was super nice and fun to be around. 

One of the grooms men's sisters came out and I found out she is a flight attendant. I immediately had to ask her what should I do? I'm SO afraid of flying. She said, "Well, I don't know if this will help. But remember that planes are not made to fly, they're made to crash safely." 

Um, what?! This chic just told me planes are made to crash?! Ok, I needed a drink. 

It gets better...she then tells me that if the planes goes down, I'm likely to die of a heart attack or because we've crashed. But the plane will most likely be fine. 

Let's just take a moment and thank the good Lord above that this girl is not like a cancer doctor or anything!!

Did any of that information help me stop fearing flying? 

What do you think?!

As I'm reading this to my husband, he's laughing at me. This is real life! This really happened y'all! 

And now I'm also afraid of strangers at parties. 

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Habitual Haircuts

Every month about the same time, my brother asks if he can get a haircut. Every. Month. Same. Time. Now I know that this should not be a little annoying, but let me tell ya - it is.

I'm sorry. I know the boy wants a haircut. He does not have to ask me about it every single month. But, he does. Bless his heart, I know. But come on kid! You barely have any hair. And one of these days, when you tell the girl how short you want it, she is going to tell you that very thing. If you keep trimming what's barely there, do you think it's going to keep growing?

I wonder, has heard the thing about shaving (like face or legs) making hair come back thicker? Because if that's what he is thinking, I guess I better have a talk with him.

He's about to be bald. Which is probably about right. My mother's father was mostly hairless at a rather young age.

He was also grey headed and I mean like white/ silver. And if he were still alive, I'd be pickin bones with him over that! I may not have gotten much from him, but that I did. Thanks a lot Papaw Alvie Lee! (I hope you know I'm kidding. I loved this man and miss him all the time)

So last night while we were waiting on dinner to arrive (that fancy pizza delivery) he asked, "Hey Sis, can I get my hair cut tomorrow?" And I know, I know, it shouldn't make me cringe! But y'all it does. I can't help it.

I said, "We'll have to see Bub. It all depends on if I have to work late. We'll see".

And then, when I look at him, he looks like his 8 year old self. And I feel like an ass. Because I feel like I told him no (even though I did not) and like I broke his heart.

The boy doesn't have much. I need to let him get his habitual haircuts.

I'm gonna. I'm gonna just let him cut his hair until he's got nothing left but peach fuzz.

Monday, March 3, 2014

OCD Takeover

My husband left for a business trip on Saturday. I knew I'd be bored and lonely, so I made plans. Because that's what I do, I plan.

I plan dinner for week nights, weekend activities, cleaning and washing days; I even plan what I'm going to wear everyday. It's the side effects of being OCD. It's not that bad, I've been doing it so long, it could just be habit now.

So, of course, when we found out my husband would be gone for 2 weeks, I planned. I planned different things to do each night so I wouldn't be bored and miss him too much.

Yea, things don't always work out the way you plan them.

He left Saturday morning. I took him to the airport and drove all the way back home. Then decided to take a nap while he was flying so I wouldn't worry. That didn't work out so well - I had nightmares! So I decide to go for a run while the weather was nice. That took about 30 minutes. Even after showering and getting ready, he still hadn't landed.

I took my brother for dinner and by this time, my husband had landed, thank God! I could at least not worry about the flight anymore. After dinner, I caught up on TV shows and videos I'd been wanting to watch. And finally went to (a lonely and restless) sleep.

Sundays plans were to sleep in, workout, and take my brother to IHop for breakfast. Again, things not working out as planned - I woke up with the sunrise, worked out and he was up before me and had already eaten breakfast!

Even after trying my best to take my time getting things done - like grocery shopping, checking out an estate sale and cleaning - I was still most of the way through my list by Sunday night!

This is what happens when someone with my condition has too much time on her hands. I can't be trusted with checklists.

So now, Monday afternoon, only 2 days into the 2 weeks, all I have left to do are some crafts. And I don't want to do them too soon so I decided this morning I'd also spring clean our house...

I'll bet you ten bucks it's all done before I go to sleep tonight.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

A Melody Brings Back A Memory

I have so many, very good memories from when I was a child. Sometimes I let my self think back to when I was very young and my parents were together. And my brother was my protector from frogs and big dogs (at the time that's all I was afraid of. Not now! I'm afraid of everything.) Reminiscing makes me happy, most of the time.

My mom used to tell me that when I was a baby, my brother (who is 2 years older than me) would pull me around and tell everyone that I was his baby. Is that not the sweetest thing?!

I remember always looking up to my brother. And I listened to everything he said to me. His words were absolute truth to me. Of course, as I got older he used that to his advantage. I remember, one day during the summer, and mom was at work, him asking me to make him a sandwich. I told him I wouldn't do it, so he held his breath and made his face red. I thought he was going to die without air! So I ran to the kitchen and made him a sandwich. Now I know he was just puffing his cheeks out and still breathing from his nose. I was 6, okay?

Anyway, I have all these good and funny memories. And when I ask him now, "Hey, do you remember that time.....?" he always says, "Nah, I don't guess I remember that." Sometimes he will laugh about what I tell him. As if to say that's funny, I wish I did remember, but other times he'll just look away as if I'm telling him someone else's stories.

It's frustrating. And it's heartbreaking. My brother, who I spent all of my life with, doesn't remember the things that made us who we are. Whether good or bad, we went through them together, and now it feels like I went through it alone. He doesn't remember the things that happened or the outcomes.

And how sad is it for him? To not remember playing little league baseball or going to a party as a teenager? Or planning for all the kids in the neighborhood to sneak out and meet in the woods, only to fall asleep? (Yes, he actually did this and we looked for him all night long....while he slept!)

I just have to wonder: is it his illness? Or has he chosen to forget everything because it all led up to him having an illness? Or as we get older, do memories fail us?

I've heard that a melody brings back a memory. If that's true, I sure wish I knew what songs we heard during those really good days.